Why don’t you save yourself possible eventual grief and proceed to a “closet”, as Jesus counseled, and pray to God in the name of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, for understanding and help? Why depend on yourself? It is well-known that all human beings are imperfect, very prone to error. Perhaps some –repeat some – of the meditative are touched with arrogance; ego; super-ego: not you, of course. Pray: God will provide.