Neal Romanek writes for and about The Pictures - movies, tv, comics, games, web content, and even cave paintings. |
September 20th, 2007
 On this day, in 1946, the first Cannes Film Festival opened.
Back then they didn’t have color, or black and white even. No, back then they had to enact the script on a large stage with a silver screen backdrop (hence the expression, “stars of the silver screen”). This is one reason many of the small-scale, post-war “Italian Realist” films were received so well at the early Cannes Festivals – much easier to put on. During the staging of the big-budget American movies, something inevitably went wrong (witness the death of 8 flying monkeys by fire during a special Cannes presentation of “Wizard Of Oz” (1939, two weeks before Hitler invaded Poland), which detracted from the production value. In that first year of the Cannes Film Festival, the top prize was shared among 11 films – which is surprising since only 7 films were entered. And back then they weren’t presented with today’s well-coveted “Pomme d’Or”, but with an award called the “Grande Prik”.
FUN FACT: Ingrid Bergman and Ingmar Bergman are not brother and sister! They are parent and child!
After 1950, things changed. What with the new technologies, movies were at last able to be made in both back and white and could be watched without having real-live actors get near anyone. Throughout the 1950’s, Doris Day films inevitably won every award the Festival had to offer. That all changed with Doris Day’s mysterious suicide by a lone gunman in 1962.
In 1990, the Pawm d’Orr was given to the David Lynch film “Wild At Heart” (1990). Meanwhile, that year’s Academy Award for Best Picture went to “Driving Miss Daisy” (1990). These were known as “The Dark Times” (A.D. 1990).
FUN FACT: Billy Crystal has never hosted the Cannes Film Festival! But never say never!
It is rumored – and also rumoured – that next year’s Cannes Film Festival, now traditionally held in the spring because of those fascist bastards over in Venice, will feature a retrospective of the films of the late Michelangelo Antoniononinoi in new, digitally-restored 3D versions!
September 3rd, 2007
So what we do is we take famous movie dialog, and we run it through Alta Vista’s Babelfish translator to translate it to a foreign language, then we translate it back into English. Then we laugh and laugh.
Today’s Idiotic Movie Translation, from the closing scene of “Casablanca” (1942), this from English > French > English:
ILSA: “You say this to only incite me to go.”
RICK: “I say it because it is true. Inside us, us all the two soaps which you belong with the winner. You form part of his work, the thing which maintains it. If this plane leaves the ground and you are not with him, you will regret it. Perhaps not today. Perhaps not tomorrow, but soon and for the remainder of your life.”
 ILSA: “But and us?”
RICK: “We will always have Paris. We did not have, us, we lost it until you came to Casablanca. We recovered the last night to him.
ILSA: “When I said I would never leave you … ”
RICK: “And you never will. But I have a work to make, too. Where I go, you cannot follow. What I have to do, you cannot have very left. Ilsa, I am not any good with being noble, but it does not take much to see that the problems of three imps do not rise with a hill of beans in this insane world. One day you will include that. Now, now… Here kid looks at you.”
The original classic dialogue:
ILSA: You’re saying this only to make me go.
RICK: I’m saying it because it’s true. Inside of us, we both know you belong with Victor. You’re part of his work, the thing that keeps him going. If that plane leaves the ground and you’re not with him, you’ll regret it. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life.
ILSA: But what about us?
RICK: We’ll always have Paris. We didn’t have, we, we lost it until you came to Casablanca. We got it back last night.
ILSA: When I said I would never leave you …
RICK: And you never will. But I’ve got a job to do, too. Where I’m going, you can’t follow. What I’ve got to do, you can’t be any part of. Ilsa, I’m no good at being noble, but it doesn’t take much to see that the problems of three little people don’t amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. Someday you’ll understand that. Now, now… Here’s looking at you kid.
February 12th, 2007
In London right now there is a lot of talk about how thin fashion models are and how very, very bad it is that they are so thin.
I personally don’t mind if they’re thin, as long as they’re not too long. There’s nothing worse than a long model.
Some models can be up to 20 meters long. I don’t like those. I don’t like the long ones.
I once saw a model that weighed 89 lbs, but was actually 39 meters long. Her name was Natalia Stringofaire.
In some countries, they don’t have super-thin models. They have super-wide models. In Finland, some models are two meters wide. The standard size is about 1.7 meters. Famous model Milka Verinowikka is 3 meters across, and weighs 900 pounds, but she is only about six centimeters long.
It’s important to know how big fashion models are, because the camera adds 10 lbs and you won’t have any way to know the truthfulness of everything unless you have access to some facts and figures.
Thin fashion models make me sad. 
October 20th, 2006
I love museums. Whom doesn’t? Museums are where we keep old stuff. It’s very important to keep old stuff. if we don’t keep old stuff, how can we ever know how good our new stuff is except through by comparison?
One of the problems museums are facing in our modern age of the 21st century is that of people having so many different avenues to choose from as regards their entertainment dollar. People want stuff INTERACTIVE these days. And I’m sad to see that only a few of the museums I have lately visited are employing new interactive media technological techniques. And no more is this seen not to be the case, than in the case of the art museum.
Art museums have changed little since they first began in the days of King Arthur – large empty buildings with paintings on the walls and statues in the corners. It’s a miracle they’ve survived this long. If art museums are not to join wide-screen cinemas and opera houses as quaint but irrelevant relics of bygone erae, they must make changes. They too must join the Interactive Revolution – or as I call it the INTERUTION!
Below are some notes I took whilst perusing the world’s great art museums. I have selected problem items – of genre, artist, or artwork itself – and have provided practical solutions for each. I feel confident that my solutions to these very old problems will get museum attendance up into even the thousands per year:
Ancient Greek Statues – the new conservatism makes it certain that people will dismiss life size-statues of naked young men out of hand. Solution: dress statues in clothes by the hottest fashion designers, thereby attracting both the art and fashion afficionadi. Advertising tie in? – “Body by The Rhodes Master 367 B.C. … clothes by Christian Dior … ”
 Still Lifes – face it, still lifes are pretty boring if you don’t appreciate the techniques the artist used to get his effects. I recommend still life paintings be set next to real life reconstructions of the actual objects depicted, so people can see how close the
artist got.
Frida Kahlo – Too serious. Lighten up. Friday nights, women get free fake mustache
Leonardo’s “Mona Lisa” – great stuff, but we’ve seen the pic over and over. Easy fix though – play continous loop of Nat King Cole singing “Mona Lisa” song.
 Michelangelo’s Sistine Chapel Ceiling – Same prob as Mona Lisa – everybody’s seen it. Solution: THE SERPENT – a rollercoaster that loops around the Chapel at 90 mph, allowing patrons to take in every one of Michelangelo’s masterpieces in under 2 minutes. Also gives viewers sensation of flying through the Ether with the angels. (Individual rollercoaster cars shaped like God in the Creation of Adam. Poss. safety hazard with jutting finger? – check w/Vatican Health & Safety Admin)
Edvard Munch’s “The Scream” – Yet another victim of its own success. Solution: place loudspeaker behind the painting that emits piercing human shriek every 6 to 8 minutes. Hire high-profile celebs to contribute screams? Christopher Walken? Judi Dench? That guy from the Shakespeare movie?
Jackson Pollock – first patron each day to find 10 images of cats hiding in the painting wins a prize.
 Rubens’s Women – Naked chicks = great. Fat naked chicks = only so-so. Use computerized image editing to alter proportions of female nudes to current standards of female beauty. Could be a whole show exploring how beauty has improved over the centuries with before and after versions of paintings. Sponsored by Loreal or other?
Andy Warhol’s “Campbell Soup Can” – serve Campbell’s soup to patrons, so they can both look at the can AND eat soup at the same time! Everybody loves soup! Also (crazy but COOL idea) allow patrons to clean up after themselves using real Brillo pads. Obvious ad tie-ins too.
The Venus De Milo – People are put off by the notion of “ideal beauty”. I say, employ REALISM – fountains of blood continuously spurting from her severed limbs. It’s half a statue one day, a multimedia installation the next!
And that’s just the beginning!
August 25th, 2006
 You know, I’m famous for more than just being a brilliant writer and great writer of fine writings. I don’t mean to brag, but I’m also quite well-renowned for my Maurice Chevalier impression.
Would you like to hear it?
I thought you would.
Ahem …
Than khayvone foe are leetell gills
foe are leetell gills gate beeg air avery dey.
Than khayvone foe are leetell gills
thaig rau oop een thay mos day laightfool whey!
Those leetell ice so ape pless aind ape ealink-guh
wan dey wheel flash ained sayin dew crashin troody seelink-kuh.
Than khayvone foe are leetell gills.
Than khayvone four dame awl,
no matt hair weigh her, no matt hair ooh
foe are wheat hout dame, what woowid leetel buoys dew?
Than khayvone … than khayvone
Than khayvone … foe are leetell gills!
Thank you.
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It is not the language of painters but the language of nature which one should listen to. The feeling for the things themselves, for reality, is more important than the feeling for pictures.
- Vincent van Gogh
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