As we all know, some of the best things in life are entirely untrue. This holds no less to be actually the fact with music as well – I think you’ll find.
If I’m honest with myself – and I am not – I must admit that many of my favorite musical ensembles are entirely fictional.
There are enemies out there. Many enemies. So many enemies.
But the most dangerous enemy is the enemy within. The Homegrown Enemy.
You know, most things that are made in the home are dangerous. Homegrown vegetables – dangerous. Homemade toys – dangerous. Homespun wisdom – very dangerous.
When the next American National Emergency comes – and it will come – we will have to act fast and act good. The first thing must be an “appeal for calm”. And an “appeal for utter silence” is even better. Because if you’re about to drive a bus off the road and over a cliff, the last thing you want is a bunch of back-seat drivers yelling for you to stop and ruining your concentration.
So when the Time of National Crisis & Sacrifice comes, I strongly suggest we neutralize the 10 journalists on the list below.
In peacetime we have indulged their extremist and radical views, but as we all learned when we studied the Bill Of Rights in school, extremist and radical views have no place in a society that lost 3880 innocent lives on September The Eleventh or whatever.
These writers are wiley – cunning – and even though recent changes to the law make it easier to deal with their kind, they often will continue to operate below our radar. Luckily, we have means.
Applying terror can be a fine way to get results. By “terror” I do not mean the use of bombs and spectacular, awesome, shocking displays of destruction and stuff like that. I mean simply good old fashioned frightening of people. So how do you frighten a gaggle of smug Cassandras who have no respect for the sanctity of the American System?
What you do is: Arrest Seymour Hersh for making secret classified material available to The Enemy in his various New Yorker pieces. Put him in jail – regretfully, sadly, without bail, but this is a national security matter and all. Mr. Hersh need not remain detained indefinitely. Only for a few months. Or for the duration of The Emergency, say – however long that is.
Also apologize repeatedly to the American people about how Judith Miller and Dan Rather got off so lightly, and make a promise that it will never happen again.
After Sy Hersh spends a little time in a Halliburton Hilton, the rest of the gang will shut up and fast. All except that damnable Gore Vidal. Who does he think he is?
So you’re probably thinking: “Well this is not a very good subject for a Top 5 List! Just how many movies about Jesus (aka Iesus, aka Yeshua, aka Josh) of Nazareth are there to choose from? Heck, there can’t be more than, like … a half a dozen Jesus flicks altogether, right? I’m afraid I shall have to set your house on fire.”
But after reading the following list of Top 5 Jesus Movies, you will be begging my forgiveness. But will I give it? Will I give my forgiveness? Maybe. Maybe not. What’s in it for me?
In no particular order:
Jesus Of Nazareth (1977) – Franco Zefferelli shoots right down the middle and scores big-time with this miniseries. This is the Peter Jackson’s “Lord Of The Rings” version of the Gospels – a big-budget attempt to illustrate as faithfully as possible the traditional conception of the Jesus story. Every first-rate actor in the Western World appears in “Jesus of Nazareth” and every one gives a fine perfomance. The casting choices themselves are superb – even down to Ernest Borgnine as The Centurion who, believe it or not, works perfectly. And the Maurice Jarre score is wonderful.
The Last Temptation of Christ (1988) – And on the other side of the coin … Martin Scorsese finally realized his dream project, based on the novel by Nikos Kazantzakis (writer of “Zorba The Greek”), on a shoestring budget, to popular outrage. Young Marty had wanted to be a priest when he was a pale asthmatic Brooklyn kid, and the inevitability of sin has been a theme in virtually every one of his films. Despite our best intentions, our personal power, wealth, prestige – and no matter how cozy our relationship with God – we will still always go astray. The experiment behind “The Last Temptation” is, in part, to put our traditional understanding of the Jesus story on the other side of the looking glass. Up is down, black is white. The film opens with the crucifixion of a familiar-looking, bearded prophet, for whom the carpenter Jesus has fashioned a cross. This Jesus even assists in the man’s execution. And we ask: “How can THIS chap be the Anointed One?” – which might lead us to another question, “How can anyone?” The Peter Gabriel score is superb.
Jesus Christ Superstar (1973) – People forget what a dynamite filmmaker Norman Jewison is (“Moonstruck”, “Fiddler On The Roof”, “Rollerball”, “In The Heat Of The Night”). For my money, “Jesus Christ Superstar” manages some of the most emotionally powerful interpretations of the Jesus story in cinema. A musical – not to mention a rock musical – a rock musical by Andrew Lloyd Weber – can go places forbidden to straight drama. The relationship between Jesus and Judas is nicely drawn in the film. In fact, the performance by Carl Anderson – outraged, self-important, and at his core lost and frightened – may be my favorite Judas performance in film. The concluding rendition of the title song, with Judas and a host of sexy angels singing down to Jesus from the audience seats of a Roman amphitheatre, is terrific.
Jesus of Montreal (1989) – Denys Arcand’s film is a passion play about a group of Montreal actors putting on a passion play. The home run of the movie is the French-Canadian Lothaire Bluteau, as an actor named Daniel who, in the passion-play-within-a-passion-play acts the part of Jesus. He mesmerizes as the compassionate Christ, whose heart seems ever on the verge of breaking at what he sees in the world around him.
Ben-Hur (1959) – It’s iffy putting William Wyler’s super-epic in the Top 5. Jesus appears as a secondary character throughout the film, but His face is never shown us. It’s a simple, effective device, that engages our imaginations and keeps the character slightly beyond our understanding and experience. The story is about the spiritual awakening of a wealthy Jewish nobleman, whose life loosely intersects that of Jesus. So the Gospels are merely the scaffold on which the bulk of the plot hangs, but the movie is so solidly executed, that it stands out as one of the best screen depictions. Stories of a well-known figures are often best told through the point of view of complimentary or antagonistic characters, (i.e., the Mozart story presented as the story of Antonio Salieri in “Amadeus”). Examining the Jesus story through the eyes of one of his less renowned contemporaries is not a bad way to go about it.
Others: Of course, I bet Pier Paolo Pasolini’s “The Gospel According To St. Matthew” (1964) should be on the list. Black and white, no professional actors. Must be art. But I ain’t seen it yet.
Then there is Mel Gibson’s “The Passion Of The Christ” (2004), but it is too much a mixed bag to make the Top 5. When it is good, it is genuinely revelatory, when it is not good, it’s a little silly.
Avoid “The Greatest Story Ever Told” (1965) , except for the Herod scenes directed by David Lean.
What with so many of Peter Jackson’s “The Lord Of The Rings” movies flying around like drunken nazgul on a night out, it’s easy to become bewildered and to lose all hope and fall into shadow. After all, you don’t want to watch the entire 3 hours of the theatrical release version of “The Lord Of The Rings: The Fellowship Of The Ring” and then hear later on that the special extended edition is much, much better. That’s three hours of your life gone. You’re never going to get that back. And to add insult to injury, you’ve copped a resentment against the “Lord Of The Rings” movies. And you don’t want to be in a state of resentment against the “Lord Of The Rings” movies. It’s just not right.
What you need is a guide. You need your very own Gollum to guide you through the marshes of the multiple versions of “The Lord Of The Ringses”.
I could be that Gollum.
Please. Please, let me be your Gollum.
PETER JACKSON’S “THE LORD OF THE RINGS” FILMS RATED FROM BEST TO LEAST-BEST
(in the interest of clarity, I’ve omitted “The Lord Of The Rings: ” from the beginning of each title, but note the title of “The Fellowship Of The Ring”, for example, is actually “The Lord Of The Rings: The Fellowship Of The Ring”)
So, from best to not best:
“The Return Of The King”, original theatrical release (201 mins) – no, it is not too long, it’s almost perfect – almost – and after the triumph of the previous films, it has earned the right for its long, steady, really quite sad wind-down at the end; still have no idea what’s going on with that Denethor-setting-Faramir-on-fire thing, though
“The Fellowship Of The Ring”, special extended edition (208 mins) – the original theatrical release was a chase film, this extended version has more character moments and, as a result, is more engaging and so actually seems to run much faster than the theatrical release.
“The Two Towers”, original theatrical release (179 mins) – a rock-solid Act II.
“The Return Of The King”, special extended edition (251 mins) – yes, it’s too long – and my apologies to Christopher Lee, but those Saruman scenes really don’t work very well; on the other hand, the Emissary Of Sauron, the shattering of Gandalf’s staff, the fiery wolf’s-head battering ram, and other elements are extraordinary.
“The Fellowship Of The Ring”, original theatrical release (178 mins) – good as it is, its story is fairly narrow – the only one of the films where you feel like you really want a little more; but as the first step in an unprecedentedly massive filmmaking enterprise, taking that cautious approach was probably a wise strategy.
“The Two Towers”, special extended edition (223 mins) – much repetition of scenes which serve the same function – i.e., Gollum’s monologue, so effective in the theatrical release, is watered down by several other, less effective monologue scenes; on the other hand, extended swordplay at Helm’s Deep can never be a bad thing.
And watch the Ralph Bakshi animated movie, “The Lord Of The Rings” (1978) which covers “The Fellowship Of The Ring” and some of “The Two Towers”.
The film’s treatment of Gollum became the iconic image of the character until the Peter Jackson movies. It’s also a more somber take than the Jackson versions – exactly what you would expect from Mr. Bakshi.
RT @NinjaWorrier: Perhaps Jacko's doctor could administer us all with an anaesthetic to numb us until this wall to wall coverage goes away. [rabbitandcrow]
Man, this toilet seat's cold!! Just saying. [rabbitandcrow]
When you RT a shrill panicky article about Iran's "20% uranium enrichment defiance", I see a sign appear over your name that says "idiot". [rabbitandcrow]
Either they're shooting something in the pub across the street or aliens have landed inside. [rabbitandcrow]
