Neal Romanek - words/pictures » Top 10 Lists

10 Worst Star Wars Dialog Moments

Neal — Wed, 26 Aug 2009 09:14:04 +0000

You can’t have too many Star Wars lists. You just can’t.

Everyone has their favorite Star Wars dialog bits they love to hate. Here are some of mine:

“Mesa cause one, two-y little bitty axadentes, huh?”, etc. – Jar Jar Binks, TPM
“I will come back and free you, Mom. I promise.” – Anakin Skywalker, TPM
“Now this is podracing!” – Anakin Skywalker, TPM
“Mmm. Lost a planet, Master Obi-Wan has. How embarrassing. How embarrassing.” – Yoda, AOTC
“Noooooooo!” – Anakin Skywalker, ROTS
“Two fighters against a stardestroyer?” – Hobbie, TESB
“Aiiiyyeeeeeee.” – Boba Fett, ROTJ
“Many Bothons died to give us this information.” – Mon Mothma, ROTJ
“I know. Somehow, I’ve always known!” – Princess Leia, ROTJ
“He wasn’t. I can feel it.” – Princess Leia, ROTJ

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Top 10 Fictional Bands

Neal — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 08:08:00 +0000

As we all know, some of the best things in life are entirely untrue. This holds no less to be actually the fact with music as well – I think you’ll find.

If I’m honest with myself – and I am not – I must admit that many of my favorite musical ensembles are entirely fictional.

Neal Romanek’s Top 10 Favorite Fictional Bands

Armada (aka Rod Torfulsen’s Armada) (of “The Kids In The Hall”)
Buckaroo Banzai and the Hong Kong Cavaliers (of “The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension”)
Buddha Stalin (of “Strangers With Candy”)
Dr. Teeth & The Electric Mayhem (of “The Muppet Show”)
The Heaven Seventeen (of “A Clockwork Orange”)
The Monkees (of “The Monkees”)
Mos Eisley Cantina Band (of “Star Wars, Episode IV”)
Spinal Tap (of “This Is Spinal Tap”)
Tenacious D (of they who are The D)
Ziggy Stardust & The Spiders From Mars (of “The Rise & Fall of Ziggy Stardust & The Spiders From Mars”)

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10 New Planets for Star Wars

Top 10 Writers To Detain In A National Emergency

Neal — Fri, 30 Nov 2007 03:25:00 +0000

There are enemies out there. Many enemies. So many enemies.

But the most dangerous enemy is the enemy within. The Homegrown Enemy.

You know, most things that are made in the home are dangerous. Homegrown vegetables – dangerous. Homemade toys – dangerous. Homespun wisdom – very dangerous.

When the next American National Emergency comes – and it will come – we will have to act fast and act good. The first thing must be an “appeal for calm”. And an “appeal for utter silence” is even better. Because if you’re about to drive a bus off the road and over a cliff, the last thing you want is a bunch of back-seat drivers yelling for you to stop and ruining your concentration.

So when the Time of National Crisis & Sacrifice comes, I strongly suggest we neutralize the 10 journalists on the list below.

In peacetime we have indulged their extremist and radical views, but as we all learned when we studied the Bill Of Rights in school, extremist and radical views have no place in a society that lost 3880 innocent lives on September The Eleventh or whatever.

(click a link to learn more about each scallywag)

These writers are wiley – cunning – and even though recent changes to the law make it easier to deal with their kind, they often will continue to operate below our radar. Luckily, we have means.

Applying terror can be a fine way to get results. By “terror” I do not mean the use of bombs and spectacular, awesome, shocking displays of destruction and stuff like that. I mean simply good old fashioned frightening of people. So how do you frighten a gaggle of smug Cassandras who have no respect for the sanctity of the American System?

What you do is: Arrest Seymour Hersh for making secret classified material available to The Enemy in his various New Yorker pieces. Put him in jail – regretfully, sadly, without bail, but this is a national security matter and all. Mr. Hersh need not remain detained indefinitely. Only for a few months. Or for the duration of The Emergency, say – however long that is.

Also apologize repeatedly to the American people about how Judith Miller and Dan Rather got off so lightly, and make a promise that it will never happen again.

After Sy Hersh spends a little time in a Halliburton Hilton, the rest of the gang will shut up and fast. All except that damnable Gore Vidal. Who does he think he is?

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Top 5 Jesus Movies

Neal — Tue, 30 Oct 2007 18:05:00 +0000

So you’re probably thinking: “Well this is not a very good subject for a Top 5 List! Just how many movies about Jesus (aka Iesus, aka Yeshua, aka Josh) of Nazareth are there to choose from? Heck, there can’t be more than, like … a half a dozen Jesus flicks altogether, right? I’m afraid I shall have to set your house on fire.”

But after reading the following list of Top 5 Jesus Movies, you will be begging my forgiveness. But will I give it? Will I give my forgiveness? Maybe. Maybe not. What’s in it for me?

In no particular order:

Jesus Of Nazareth (1977) – Franco Zefferelli shoots right down the middle and scores big-time with this miniseries. This is the Peter Jackson’s “Lord Of The Rings” version of the Gospels – a big-budget attempt to illustrate as faithfully as possible the traditional conception of the Jesus story. Every first-rate actor in the Western World appears in “Jesus of Nazareth” and every one gives a fine perfomance. The casting choices themselves are superb – even down to Ernest Borgnine as The Centurion who, believe it or not, works perfectly. And the Maurice Jarre score is wonderful.

The Last Temptation of Christ (1988) – And on the other side of the coin … Martin Scorsese finally realized his dream project, based on the novel by Nikos Kazantzakis (writer of “Zorba The Greek”), on a shoestring budget, to popular outrage. Young Marty had wanted to be a priest when he was a pale asthmatic Brooklyn kid, and the inevitability of sin has been a theme in virtually every one of his films. Despite our best intentions, our personal power, wealth, prestige – and no matter how cozy our relationship with God – we will still always go astray. The experiment behind “The Last Temptation” is, in part, to put our traditional understanding of the Jesus story on the other side of the looking glass. Up is down, black is white. The film opens with the crucifixion of a familiar-looking, bearded prophet, for whom the carpenter Jesus has fashioned a cross. This Jesus even assists in the man’s execution. And we ask: “How can THIS chap be the Anointed One?” – which might lead us to another question, “How can anyone?” The Peter Gabriel score is superb.

Jesus Christ Superstar (1973) – People forget what a dynamite filmmaker Norman Jewison is (“Moonstruck”, “Fiddler On The Roof”, “Rollerball”, “In The Heat Of The Night”). For my money, “Jesus Christ Superstar” manages some of the most emotionally powerful interpretations of the Jesus story in cinema. A musical – not to mention a rock musical – a rock musical by Andrew Lloyd Weber – can go places forbidden to straight drama. The relationship between Jesus and Judas is nicely drawn in the film. In fact, the performance by Carl Anderson – outraged, self-important, and at his core lost and frightened – may be my favorite Judas performance in film. The concluding rendition of the title song, with Judas and a host of sexy angels singing down to Jesus from the audience seats of a Roman amphitheatre, is terrific.

Jesus of Montreal (1989) – Denys Arcand’s film is a passion play about a group of Montreal actors putting on a passion play. The home run of the movie is the French-Canadian Lothaire Bluteau, as an actor named Daniel who, in the passion-play-within-a-passion-play acts the part of Jesus. He mesmerizes as the compassionate Christ, whose heart seems ever on the verge of breaking at what he sees in the world around him.

Ben-Hur (1959) – It’s iffy putting William Wyler’s super-epic in the Top 5. Jesus appears as a secondary character throughout the film, but His face is never shown us. It’s a simple, effective device, that engages our imaginations and keeps the character slightly beyond our understanding and experience. The story is about the spiritual awakening of a wealthy Jewish nobleman, whose life loosely intersects that of Jesus. So the Gospels are merely the scaffold on which the bulk of the plot hangs, but the movie is so solidly executed, that it stands out as one of the best screen depictions. Stories of a well-known figures are often best told through the point of view of complimentary or antagonistic characters, (i.e., the Mozart story presented as the story of Antonio Salieri in “Amadeus”). Examining the Jesus story through the eyes of one of his less renowned contemporaries is not a bad way to go about it.

Others: Of course, I bet Pier Paolo Pasolini’s “The Gospel According To St. Matthew” (1964) should be on the list. Black and white, no professional actors. Must be art. But I ain’t seen it yet.

Then there is Mel Gibson’s “The Passion Of The Christ” (2004), but it is too much a mixed bag to make the Top 5. When it is good, it is genuinely revelatory, when it is not good, it’s a little silly.
Avoid “The Greatest Story Ever Told” (1965) , except for the Herod scenes directed by David Lean.

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Your LOTR Guide

Neal — Fri, 06 Apr 2007 11:22:00 +0000

What with so many of Peter Jackson’s “The Lord Of The Rings” movies flying around like drunken nazgul on a night out, it’s easy to become bewildered and to lose all hope and fall into shadow. After all, you don’t want to watch the entire 3 hours of the theatrical release version of “The Lord Of The Rings: The Fellowship Of The Ring” and then hear later on that the special extended edition is much, much better. That’s three hours of your life gone. You’re never going to get that back. And to add insult to injury, you’ve copped a resentment against the “Lord Of The Rings” movies. And you don’t want to be in a state of resentment against the “Lord Of The Rings” movies. It’s just not right.

What you need is a guide. You need your very own Gollum to guide you through the marshes of the multiple versions of “The Lord Of The Ringses”.

I could be that Gollum.

Please. Please, let me be your Gollum.

PETER JACKSON’S “THE LORD OF THE RINGS” FILMS
RATED FROM BEST TO LEAST-BEST

(in the interest of clarity, I’ve omitted “The Lord Of The Rings: ” from the beginning of each title, but note the title of “The Fellowship Of The Ring”, for example, is actually “The Lord Of The Rings: The Fellowship Of The Ring”)

So, from best to not best:

“The Return Of The King”, original theatrical release (201 mins) – no, it is not too long, it’s almost perfect – almost – and after the triumph of the previous films, it has earned the right for its long, steady, really quite sad wind-down at the end; still have no idea what’s going on with that Denethor-setting-Faramir-on-fire thing, though
“The Fellowship Of The Ring”, special extended edition (208 mins) – the original theatrical release was a chase film, this extended version has more character moments and, as a result, is more engaging and so actually seems to run much faster than the theatrical release.
“The Two Towers”, original theatrical release (179 mins) – a rock-solid Act II.
“The Return Of The King”, special extended edition (251 mins) – yes, it’s too long – and my apologies to Christopher Lee, but those Saruman scenes really don’t work very well; on the other hand, the Emissary Of Sauron, the shattering of Gandalf’s staff, the fiery wolf’s-head battering ram, and other elements are extraordinary.
“The Fellowship Of The Ring”, original theatrical release (178 mins) – good as it is, its story is fairly narrow – the only one of the films where you feel like you really want a little more; but as the first step in an unprecedentedly massive filmmaking enterprise, taking that cautious approach was probably a wise strategy.
“The Two Towers”, special extended edition (223 mins) – much repetition of scenes which serve the same function – i.e., Gollum’s monologue, so effective in the theatrical release, is watered down by several other, less effective monologue scenes; on the other hand, extended swordplay at Helm’s Deep can never be a bad thing.

And watch the Ralph Bakshi animated movie, “The Lord Of The Rings” (1978) which covers “The Fellowship Of The Ring” and some of “The Two Towers”.

The film’s treatment of Gollum became the iconic image of the character until the Peter Jackson movies. It’s also a more somber take than the Jackson versions – exactly what you would expect from Mr. Bakshi.

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10 Pornographic Items at a Hydraulics Co.

Neal — Sat, 24 Mar 2007 16:39:00 +0000

What with being a writer and artist, it has been essential to take various kinds of alternative employment from time to time.

The reason for this is not financial, of course. As any artist will tell you, the financial rewards one reaps in the creativity arts are humbling in the extreme. No, the reason for keeping a hand in with the rest of the wretched work force is RESEARCH.

Yes, RESEARCH – meaning “to search and search again and again and again”.

What the search is for is never quite clear.

I am reminded of a hydraulics company where I once did some light filing. This place sold pipes and hoses and tubes and ducts and associated paraphernalia for a wide variety of industrial applications – from cooking equipment to aircraft parts, from train engines to chemical weapons manufacturing.

All day long a trio of blue-shirted, neck-tied men sold these various parts to those in need of them. Offers were made, deals were cut, all with a kind of admirable, boisterous devotion to customer service.

The RESEARCH-worthy element of the job – and the one that made me giggle like a ten year old – was the fact that when liquids are conveyed from one place to another, when a tube is inserted into an opening so that fluids may be deposited therein, whether such a thing happens in industry or in nature, certain types of descriptive language begin to emerge.

So as one lightly filed, one would begin to hear – made with dire, blue-shirted, fluorescent lit gravity – the most hilarious turns of phrase.

Absolutely unadulterated, exactly as they came to me:

10 Product Names I Was Exposed To
At A Hydraulics Supply Company

tube nuts
screw type coupling probe
rigid female connector
2-way hose ball bib cock
full bore ball valves
M/F bleeder
SS male plug
flange seal
GH436-16 hose assy
straight male stud coupling

… and one of my favorites, but which belongs more to D&D than S&M:

swage ferrule for spiral hydra

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Top 10 Movie Wizards

Neal — Sat, 27 Jan 2007 15:05:00 +0000

So you’re a respected actor toward the end of a first-rate career. What do you do?

You play a wizard.

The Top 10 Movie Wizards and the actors who depicted them:

Yen Sid – “Fantasia” (1940) (segment “The Sorceror’s Apprentice” directed by James Algar)
Dr. Erasmus Craven (Vincent Price), “The Raven” (1963)
Obi Wan Kenobi (Sir Alec Guinness), “Star Wars” (1977), et al
Avatar (voice by Bob Holt), “Wizards” (1977)
Merlin (Nicol Williamson), “Excalibur” (1981)
Ulrich (Sir Ralph Richardson), “Dragonslayer” (1981)
The Wizard (Mako), “Conan The Barbarian” (1982), et al
Lo Pan (James Hong), “Big Trouble In Little China” (1984)
Albus Dumbledore (Richard Harris), “Harry Potter and the Sorceror’s Stone” (2001), et al
Gandalf the Grey/White (Sir Ian McKellan) – “The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring” (2001), et al

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10 Childhood Xmas Gifts

Neal — Mon, 25 Dec 2006 11:59:00 +0000

10 Great Christmas Gifts I Received As A Child

Kenner Death Star Playset (with trash compactor & green, rubbery Dia Nogu)
William Stout’s “The New Dinosaurs”
Large plastic American versions of Shogun Warriors (Mazinga & Dragun)
Revell Endangered Species model kits (white rhino, california condor, komodo dragon & mountain gorilla)
a taxidermied monitor lizard from Thailand
Space 1999 Eagle spacecraft (huge plastic one with action figures)
“Jaws Of The Shark” (thrilling LP of 3 shark-related adventure stories)
Marx Renegade “Sam Cobra” wild west figure
“Sounds To Make You Shiver” (scary LP of haunted house sound fx)
a sword

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Top 10 John Williams Scores

Neal — Mon, 18 Dec 2006 10:58:00 +0000

Two Years today my wife and I have been married. Happy Anniversary, sweetie.

Two Years.

It makes me want to write a list about John Williams scores. So, here is the definitive list of:

Top 10 John Williams Scores (in order of Best to Very Good)

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10 Things I Would Like For My Birthday

Neal — Mon, 06 Nov 2006 11:52:00 +0000

It’s my birthday this month. Not today, no. But later on in November – later this week, in fact – is when most English-speaking countries celebrate the birth of Neal Romanek.

Often there are festivals.

In case you plan on getting me presents this year – and I can’t see why you wouldn’t, but only you know how your mind works – here are 10 Presents I Would Like For My Birthday … please:

1.) peace
2.) health
3.) victory over my enemies
4.) a new iPod – since my old one, upon hearing English pop music a short time after arriving in this country, committed spontaneous suicide (you know – “contact Apple Support” URL + frowning Mac face)
5.) a job where I get paid upwards of £100,000/year to make things up
6.) did I mention victory over my enemies?
7.)peace
8.) a Palermo pizza
9.) forgiveness of my terrible transgressions against man and beast
10.)Age of Empires III for Mac OSX

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10 UK Culinary Challenges

Neal — Thu, 28 Sep 2006 12:19:00 +0000

The 10 Greatest Culinary Challenges

I Have (So Far) Survived In Britain

Chocolate Chip Biscotti of Sobbing and Weeping (Day 1)
Sausage of Sawdust and Paste and Decay (day 3)
Eggs of the Trogolyte Kings (Day 3)
The ur-Bacon (aka “Sahara Road Kill”) (Day 4)
The 2nd Worst Cup of Coffee in Christendom (Day 4)
Walker’s “Salt & Vinegar Flavour” Potato Crisps (Day 5)
The Worst Cup of Coffee in Christendom (Day 5)
Chili Cheesy Fries of the Damned (Day 6)
Guacamole/Sour Cream/Salsa Compote of Grief (Day 6)
Giant Crab-Apples that look just like Actual Apples (Day 8 )

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10 Movies with Terrorist Heroes

Neal — Thu, 10 Aug 2006 22:23:00 +0000

It’s easy to find movies with terrorist villains. But what about terrorist heroes?

The Oxford English Dictionary defines terrorism as:

“a policy intended to strike with terror those against whom it is adopted; the employment of methods of intimidation; the fact of terrorising or condition of being terrorised.”

That certainly covers a lot of ground.

Fortunately, the official U.S Code of Federal Regulations is more specific. It tells us that terrorism is:

“the unlawful use of force and violence against persons or property to intimidate or coerce a government, the civilian population, or any segment thereof, in furtherance of political or social objectives”

Here are:

10 Movies With Terrorist Heroes

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