Peel - 272/365
Being an artist doesn’t take much, just everything you got. Which means, of course, that as the process is giving you life, it is also bringing you closer to death. But it’s no big deal. They are one in the same and cannot be avoided or denied. So when I totally embrace this process, this life/death, and abandon myself to it, I transcend all this meaningless gibberish and hang out with the gods. It seems to me that that is worth the price of admission.

- Hubert Selby, Jr.

Death Star OSHA Report

“OSHA’s mission is to assure the safety and health of the Galaxy’s workers by setting and enforcing standards; providing training, outreach, and education; establishing partnerships; and encouraging continual improvement in workplace safety and health.”

TO: Governor Tarkin, G.M.
CC: Adm. Motti, (10 others) …
BCC: …

FROM: Inspectors #239, #9662, #0882 – Imperial Occupational Safety and Health Administration

Dear Governor Tarkin:

We view with grave concern the staggering systematic safety and health failures on the new Imperial battle station called the “Death Star“. We regret to say we will be recommending a complete suspension of operations to address these safety concerns. And unless all the following problems are remedied within the next fiscal year, we will recommend the battle station be shut down permanently.

Our concerns include, but are not limited to, the following:

– HAND RAILS

As you know, there is a case pending against the firm that designed this so-called “ultimate power in the Universe”. We have received reports of at least 140 employees dying in falls which could have been prevented by the simple installation of railings and balustrades. No doubt many more falls have gone unreported. Some have complained that the cost of putting up railings throughout the station after the fact would be prohibitive. Be warned: the station WILL be shut down unless railings are installed.

It is our opinion that this drop in safety standards is a predictable result of “no bid” contracts.

– INADEQUATELY TRAINED SECURITY PERSONELL

Supposedly the first line of defense against intruders, the Death Star’s compliment of Stormtroopers is woefully undertrained. To quote an anonymous source: “These guys can’t hit the broad side of a space-barn.” In one reported security incident, a dozen Stormtroopers bearing the latest issue blaster carbines, all simultaneously firing, could not hit two unarmored human targets from thirty feet away. Other anecdotal evidence has suggested that in several incidents scores of troops have died at the hands of minimally armed combatants. Employees cannot rely solely on high-tech equipment. A well-trained employee makes a safe employee.

– SUPER-LASER SAFETY

The Death Star’s planet-destroyer super-laser controls are criminally dangerous.

We are appalled that a design made it to construction which requires human Operators to stand within 3 meters of a laser beam packing 90 gigajoules/sec. Operators, in death bed interviews, reported receiving only a minimally protective hardhat and were told by superiors to shield their eyes with their hands “if the beam gets too bright for you”.

Among our other concerns:

– Operators are exposed to 10,000 rem each time the super-laser is fired. Exposure to a single blast has resulted in loss of hair and teeth, 2nd degree burns, sterility, and bone marrow disintegration.

– Concern for Operator safety so lacking that Operators do not even receive gloves.

– Again, no handrails. Only a matter of time before a blinded and burned Operator stumbles into the firing shaft and is vaporized.

– Is it absolutely necessary to have controls located inside the barrel of the weapon?

– HANGAR BAYS

Please put doors on all hangar bays.

– REDEFINE AND CLARIFY ROLE OF OUTSIDE CONSULTANTS

We recognize that input from outside consultants – particularly those appointed directly by the Emperor – are vital to the success of the Imperial Strategy. However, Death Star employeees should not be expected to answer to outside consultants who are not employed by Death Star Human Resources. The issue also brings up labor union concerns, and though these are not strictly under our jurisdiction, we believe that the Command & Control structure must stay cleanly defined in order to safely operate such a complex enterprise as the Death Star.

Any intimidation of Death Star employees by these outside consultants – whether via physical or supernatural means – will not be tolerated.

– INADEQUATE WASTE DISPOSAL

The station has just become fully operational and already waste buildup has reached a condition of substantial biohazard, creating conditions which have allowed large, highly dangerous invertebrates to flourish.

We recommend:

a.) thorough fumigation, deck by deck, of the entire battle station

b.) a new sanitation system in which refuse is recycled or disposed of, instead of the current, untenable practice of garbage storage.

ELIMINATE “MOUSE DROIDS”

There are hordes of tiny four-wheeled robots weaving in and out of the dense pedestrian traffic of the Death Star’s main corridors. These are an appalling accident hazard and we are shocked that this has not yet been addressed. You might as well litter the corriders with a thousand randomly placed skateboards. I understand that the new uniform requirement for knee-high boots has helped reduce ankle injuries throughout the Empire, but with these nervous little blighters zipping underfoot, repeated accidents will be unavoidable and costly.

We haven’t been fully apprised as to what function these robots serve. One employee interviewed said he thought they were message couriers. What’s wrong with email?

– STANDARDIZE LANGUAGE ON VITAL EQUIPMENT (RESOLVED)

We are happy to see that this has been addressed. As stated in previous reports, we viewed with apprehension the lack of standardization in languages used on vital pieces of equipment. There was sometimes English writing printed on vital equipment amidst the standard Imperial script.


Even given a large percentage of bilingual employees, regulations state that instructional language on vital equipment must be clearly readable and easily understood in an emergency. Mixing of languages makes quick apprehension impossible.


We acknowledge your replacement of all English text with the standard Imperial script, and we hope it is an indication that more vital safety issues will be addressed forthwith.

– EXHAUST PORT ISSUE?

Finally – though matters of defense are not in our purview – we feel that the open exhaust port at the end of one of the battle station’s trenches (the port in question is right below the main port) is a global safety concern. The shaft leads directly to the reactor system. A precise hit will start a chain reaction which could destroy the station. Although we recognize that only a precise hit will set up a chain reaction, we wonder if some defense specialists should examine the location and institute protective measures. Perhaps it could be ray shielded until a permanent solution is found?

We look forward, Governor, to hearing your plan of action at the closed meeting scheduled to take place after your imminent exercise at the planet Yavin.

Yours sincerely,

– Inspectors #239, #9662, #0882 – Imperial Occupational Safety and Health Administration

13 comments to Death Star OSHA Report

  • Warren

    Now I get it.

    Eliminate Mouse Droids is very funny!

  • Steve

    Here’s another OSHA issue for your report.

  • Neal Romanek

    Great, Steve!

    I have never seen that before! Wonderful!

  • Dan Hyland

    Please tell me you have seen the Family Guy Star Wars parody called Blue Harvest. They address the railing problem in there too. And the vent. If you haven’t seen it to get it right now.

  • Neal Romanek

    I have yet to see “Blue Harvest”. But by every indication, I must!

  • kim

    Label the exit doors!!! And you need signs explaining the rooms.

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