I am not a REAL BLOGGER.
You know who’s a BLOGGER. Tony Pierce is a BLOGGER. But me? No. I ain’t no Blogagger.
REAL BLOGGERS are…what’s the word?…spontaneous. Yes, spontaneous and fearless. Like great jazz artists they riff, in the moment, on their secret thoughts and bring them to life for the public to consume like pearls before swine – we may assume a species of pearl-eating swine, or at least oyster-eating swine.
But me? Me, I’m not spontaneous enough, not loosey-goosey enough to be a serious BLOGGER. Blogging comes from the heart, not the head. And my head is big. Too big. I’ve got a big head. A head to big for Blogging.
If only I could grow my heart, like the Grinch. The Grinch’s small heart grew 3 sizes in one day. If we are to believe the animation, the Grinch’s small heart grew 3 sizes in about 6 seconds. I don’t even know what my heart size is. How do I get that measured? Do I go to my doctor? Or would a good tailor be able to measure it for me? I’m getting off track. The question is: how can I grow my heart – in such fashion as the Grinch’s grew – so that I can be a REAL BLOGGER, not just some brainy guy with a contrived wit?
Perhaps I could give to the poor. That’s one way of growing the heart, isn’t it? It’s a pretty expensive way, of course. And what with all the expenses I have at this time of year, maybe now’s not the best time. Sometime next year maybe I could give to the poor – maybe after we get this screenplay optioned. Till then, I’ll just wish the poor well. Will that work? Will that grow my heart?
Yeah. I think I detect some growth. I think. Or maybe that’s the coffee going to work. Do you notice anything? Is my Blogging getting any better?
A REAL BLOGGER is also courageous. Or ballsy. I am neither courageous (a word which is derived from the Latin word for “heart”, by the way) or ballsy (an English expression derived from the colloquial word for “testicles”, by the way). The REAL BLOGGER embraces the punk aspects of art. “I AM!” shouts the REAL BLOGGER, reminding anyone within earshot – or eyeshot – including himself (or itself) that he (it) is the God of the moment. Me? Not as much. My battle shout is “I AM…worried that you won’t like me.”
I’ve got to shake that shit.
How can I go from “I AM worried that you won’t like me” to “I AM”? How? One way might be to shorten all my sentences to two words. That’s good. I like. I’m cool. I rock. Blogs rule. Me too. I AM. Like me? Poor bastard.
But I’ll keep working on it. Even Miles Davis didn’t become a REAL BLOGGER overnight.
Hey, I know. I’m going to go back and change every instance of “real Blogger” to “REAL BLOGGER”. That’d be kinda neat. You agree?
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