My wedding anniversary is coming up.

Yes, MINE. My anniversary. An anniversary that belongs to no other. My wife may try to take it from me. But I will not let her. No. No I shall keep the anniversary all to myself.

Sometimes I wonder if there isn’t something wrong with me.

This weekend, my wife – who is a very good friend of mine and someone I think you’d really hit it off with – and I myself will celebrate OUR first year of marriage.

Assuming there are no great disasters between now and then.

I mean, that comet they’ve been talking about for years could finally hit. Or I could be eaten by a land-shark. Or my wife could have a moment of clarity. But barring any of these disasters, we’ll be celebrating our first year of marriage.

It’s the PAPER Anniversary. I remember that because my sister got some toilet paper as a joke on the first anniversary of her first marriage. I think it must have been a joke. I don’t think that marriage made it up into the precious stones and metals. It might have gotten up to FORMICA – which has turned out to be a very very good thing, since it has allowed her second marriage to happen and that marriage has for many years issued forth long-lasting juicy goodness.

Does the PAPER Anniversary mean that I have to give my wife a piece of paper? Or is it just that people who have a mind to give us gifts bestow bits of paper? Does money count as paper? I’m thinking only checks are paper, since “paper” currency is actually made out of that mysterious fiber material that old Mexican ladies weave in the deep, deep dungeons of the Treasury Department. So checks, bonds, money orders, bits of cardboard, grocery lists, parking tickets – these are all legitimate gifts to give on the 1st year wedding anniversary.

I think I will give my wife a Set Of Principles. Yes, I’ll pen a Set Of Principles on paper and give it to her. I suppose the Principles should apply specifically to our marriage, perhaps should be guidlines for her – for us – to follow in the coming years.

Here’s one possible version. Let me know what you think.

5 PRINCIPLES PRESENTED TO US BY ME ON THE ANNIVERSARY OF THIS OUR FIRST YEAR OF MARRIAGE TO EACH OTHER

1.) Always keep your head on straight. Do not let it drop away or lean askew.
2.) Never let the cats become too hungry or too vengeful. This way lies suffering.
3.) Remember that weekends start with the last day of the week, but end with the first day of the week. Don’t get too tripped out by this.
4.) If one finds oneself angry at one’s spouse, and one is a woman, then one could think maybe that it’s not really one’s spouse’s fault actually.
5.) Only three things need be maintained in order to keep any relationship fresh and joyous and free for a lifetime. These three things will remain forever a mystery. Avoid sinking into long dark depressions over this eternal truth.

Unless you have any last minute suggestions, I’m going to run off now and prepare the gift. I have crayons, of course, but the newsprint I have is old and yellowing, so I’d better get some fresh.

I ate a fortune cookie this morning. The fortune, which I’m keeping in my pocket, says: