Look Left

Neal Romanek writes for and about The Pictures - movies, tv, comics, games, web content, and even cave paintings.

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Avatar (2009)

Saw James Cameron’s “Avatar” (2009) yesterday afternoon in 3D at the Shepherd’s Bush VUE Cinemas in London. Went with my Dad who has seen more movies than I am ever likely to see, including the 3D masterpiece, “Bwana Devil” (1952).

One of my first thoughts was: Now I know what the Act III of “Return Of The Jedi” (1983) should have looked like.

“Avatar” isn’t Jim Cameron’s best movie. That honour still goes to “Aliens” (1986), as beautifully plotted an action movie as there has ever been. A respectable horror movie too, but it is primarily an action movie. Still, I really found “Avatar” exquisitely beautiful in its design and execution.

Already I’m getting flack from Film World Colleagues, who found the movie to be ham-fisted. Where I saw delightful design choices, they saw lipstick on a pig.

The fact that there is nothing new in its premise – that “Avatar” is “Dances With Wolves” (1990) / “Little Big Man” (1970) / “Lawrence Of Arabia” ?? (1962) / “Fill In The Blank” In Space – seems a weak criticism of the movie, though it’s been trotted out a lot over the past couple weeks.

Wes Studi (far left) in "Dances With Wolves"

Vietnam vet Wes Studi (far left) played the leader of a Pawnee raiding party in "Dances With Wolves" before playing Eytukan in "Avatar"

Cameron has deliberately kept the story simple, obvious even, to provide a solid framework on which he can hang all his beautiful decoration. To get clever with both design and story at the same time could invite Unmanageability – the bane of Cameron’s existence. Cameron has always kept his plots and characters very simple, virtually mechanical in their efficiency. When he has tried to reach for more complex and subtle (relatively) themes and plotting, the movies have suffered. And, recalling the tales told about the production of Cameron’s two “wettest” movies, “The Abyss” and “Titanic”, his crews have suffered too. For Cameron, “Keep it simple” is a mantra that leads to success.

The story structure in “Avatar” is really quite adroit – solid and simple. As any good writer will tell you, “solid and simple” is actually hard to pull off, because false notes – and there are some in “Avatar” – stick out like signalling antennae on an alien lifeform.

The movie has a skeleton of very simple, rock-solid sequences – like its cousin “Dances With Wolves”. “Dances”, one of the longest movies to ever win a Best Picture Academy Award, flies by for most people because it is constructed of straightforward, firmly constructed sequences. Knowing where the story is going – having “seen it before” – carries the audience along. We are always anticipating the next beat. We know what is supposed to happen next, more or less, but we don’t know exactly how it will be presented. And that is the way expert storytellers do it – just ask Hitchcock.

Oh, and Cameron stole the entire “Avatar” idea from me. I wrote, in high school, a story of a race of simple blue-skinned aliens who lived on a jungle world. A human male is drawn into defending them from a highly technological man-machine who wants to take the blue-skinned guys’ precious, sacred mineral.

Naturally, I plan to sue.

Of course, I ripped off – and still do – all the other sci-fi writers I knew and loved. “Avatar” is a conservatively plotted, “classic sci-fi” story, in the vein of one of the Heinlein or Asimov books. It absorbs all the flavours and styles that those great 20th century sci-fi authors – and their hundreds of imitators – spun and then sings it back in Cameron’s voice. Just as I did in my own voice via my high school “Avatar” precursor.

We are in an age of illustration in movies – and we have Peter Jackson to thank/blame for it. The goal in so many big studio movie adaptations is not to bring new insight to a story or a franchise, but to illustrate an existing property faithfully. Peter Jackson’s stunning success rested on giving audiences exactly the “Lord Of The Rings” that they had imagined – plus a bit more. A lot of people – well, myself anyway – watched the “Lord Of The Rings” movies thinking, “Wow. If I had a bit more imagination, then that is exactly how I would have imagined it.” In other movies, the source material has been so sacred that barely a word or beat is changed in the film adaptation – “300″ and “Sin City”. I think “Avatar” follows in this tradition, illustrating a sci-fi story already existing in the back of our collective imaginations. Dragon riders, floating mountains, glowing forests with trees the size of skyscrapers – we all know bits and pieces of these from books and wall calendars and dreams. It’s as if Cameron has supplied the movie to a story we had known about all along.

There’s much more to say about “Avatar”. For one, its political stance is fascinating to me. It’s a major studio movie by a major studio director that takes an aggressively anti-neocon POV. Very unusual.

But I’d like to hear your comments, then we can get into some discussion.

avatar

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10 Worst Star Wars Dialog Moments

You can’t have too many Star Wars lists. You just can’t.

Everyone has their favorite Star Wars dialog bits they love to hate. Here are some of mine:

  1. “Mesa cause one, two-y little bitty axadentes, huh?”, etc. – Jar Jar Binks, TPM
  2. “I will come back and free you, Mom. I promise.” – Anakin Skywalker, TPM
  3. “Now this is podracing!” – Anakin Skywalker, TPM
  4. “Mmm. Lost a planet, Master Obi-Wan has. How embarrassing. How embarrassing.” – Yoda, AOTC
  5. “Noooooooo!” – Anakin Skywalker, ROTS
  6. “Two fighters against a stardestroyer?” – Hobbie, TESB
  7. “Aiiiyyeeeeeee.” – Boba Fett, ROTJ
  8. “Many Bothons died to give us this information.” – Mon Mothma, ROTJ
  9. “I know. Somehow, I’ve always known!” – Princess Leia, ROTJ
  10. “He wasn’t. I can feel it.” – Princess Leia, ROTJ

Jar Jar Binks

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Top 10 Fictional Bands

As we all know, some of the best things in life are entirely untrue. This holds no less to be actually the fact with music as well – I think you’ll find.

If I’m honest with myself – and I am not – I must admit that many of my favorite musical ensembles are entirely fictional.

Neal Romanek’s Top 10 Favorite Fictional Bands
  1. Armada (aka Rod Torfulsen’s Armada)  (of “The Kids In The Hall”)
  2. Buckaroo Banzai and the Hong Kong Cavaliers  (of “The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension”)
  3. Buddha Stalin  (of “Strangers With Candy”)
  4. Dr. Teeth & The Electric Mayhem  (of “The Muppet Show”)
  5. The Heaven Seventeen  (of “A Clockwork Orange”)
  6. The Monkees  (of “The Monkees”)
  7. Mos Eisley Cantina Band  (of “Star Wars, Episode IV”)
  8. Spinal Tap  (of “This Is Spinal Tap”)
  9. Tenacious D  (of they who are The D)
  10. Ziggy Stardust & The Spiders From Mars  (of “The Rise & Fall of Ziggy Stardust & The Spiders From Mars”)
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10 New Planets for Star Wars

Before George Lucas was consumed by the Dark Side of the Force, he used his powers for good and not for evil.

One of the great goods he did upon us all was giving us all kinds of wonderful new names – which were not new names at all. In fact they were very familiar names: Han, Luke, Sky, Walker, Millenium, Falcon, Chew, Tobacco. But these familiar sounds had been reshuffled, paired with one another in unlikely combinations. Words which had no extraordinary significance before to us, were slapped onto things strange and wondrous, where they acquired an unexpected depth and weight. So Taunton, a little town in England, became the name of a furry dinosaur with ram’s horns. Massassi, the name of an African goddess, became the name of the gigantic stone complex where the Rebels were holed up on the fourth moon of YAVIN.

My favorite star names are those of the Star Wars planets, because those have some of the most mundane and everyday roots – sometimes to the point of silliness – which, as a creator of fictional worlds, I find fascinating.

DAGOBAH, for example, is the name of a kind of ancient Indian temple. MUSTAFAR is essentially a common guy’s name in the Arabic-speaking world – the equivalent of Hank or Bob. And NABOO – as far as I can tell – has its origins in an abbreviation for the National Association of Broadcasters (NAB) convention, 2000. And, of course, YAVIN is derived from the word we use to describe our own solar system’s giant gas planets. It would take a while to explain , but trust me there.

There are other planet names out there which George Lucas could have used – perhaps should have used – instead. I mean, let’s face it, MUSTAFAR is a stupid name for a planet. Planet Bob? What was he thinking?

It may be arrogance to think I can compete with the man who brought us CORUSCANT, HOTH and ORD MANTELL, but here are …

10 New Planet Names for the Star Wars Galaxy

  1. Osama
  2. Tandoori
  3. Moo Goo Gai Pan
  4. Alito
  5. Cirrhosis
  6. Angelina Jolie
  7. Scapula
  8. Mandrill
  9. Pina Colada
  10. Verizon

Honorable Mention: Planet Kasdan

I honestly think my names could have improved the movies even that much better:

“I have chosen to test the station’s destructive power on your home planet of Cirrhosis.”

or

“What of the reports of the rebel fleet massing near Angelina Jolie?”

or

“You must learn the ways of the Force, if you are to come with to Scapula.”

or even

“Our scoutships have reached Tandoori. They found the remains of a rebel base, but they estimate it has been deserted for some time.”

Much better. Much, much better. Don’t you think?

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Death Star OSHA Report

“OSHA’s mission is to assure the safety and health of the Galaxy’s workers by setting and enforcing standards; providing training, outreach, and education; establishing partnerships; and encouraging continual improvement in workplace safety and health.”

TO: Governor Tarkin, G.M.
CC: Adm. Motti, (10 others) …
BCC: …

FROM: Inspectors #239, #9662, #0882 – Imperial Occupational Safety and Health Administration

Dear Governor Tarkin:

We view with grave concern the staggering systematic safety and health failures on the new Imperial battle station called the “Death Star“. We regret to say we will be recommending a complete suspension of operations to address these safety concerns. And unless all the following problems are remedied within the next fiscal year, we will recommend the battle station be shut down permanently.

Our concerns include, but are not limited to, the following:

- HAND RAILS

As you know, there is a case pending against the firm that designed this so-called “ultimate power in the Universe”. We have received reports of at least 140 employees dying in falls which could have been prevented by the simple installation of railings and balustrades. No doubt many more falls have gone unreported. Some have complained that the cost of putting up railings throughout the station after the fact would be prohibitive. Be warned: the station WILL be shut down unless railings are installed.

It is our opinion that this drop in safety standards is a predictable result of “no bid” contracts.

- INADEQUATELY TRAINED SECURITY PERSONELL

Supposedly the first line of defense against intruders, the Death Star’s compliment of Stormtroopers is woefully undertrained. To quote an anonymous source: “These guys can’t hit the broad side of a space-barn.” In one reported security incident, a dozen Stormtroopers bearing the latest issue blaster carbines, all simultaneously firing, could not hit two unarmored human targets from thirty feet away. Other anecdotal evidence has suggested that in several incidents scores of troops have died at the hands of minimally armed combatants. Employees cannot rely solely on high-tech equipment. A well-trained employee makes a safe employee.

- SUPER-LASER SAFETY

The Death Star’s planet-destroyer super-laser controls are criminally dangerous.

We are appalled that a design made it to construction which requires human Operators to stand within 3 meters of a laser beam packing 90 gigajoules/sec. Operators, in death bed interviews, reported receiving only a minimally protective hardhat and were told by superiors to shield their eyes with their hands “if the beam gets too bright for you”.

Among our other concerns:

- Operators are exposed to 10,000 rem each time the super-laser is fired. Exposure to a single blast has resulted in loss of hair and teeth, 2nd degree burns, sterility, and bone marrow disintegration.

- Concern for Operator safety so lacking that Operators do not even receive gloves.

- Again, no handrails. Only a matter of time before a blinded and burned Operator stumbles into the firing shaft and is vaporized.

- Is it absolutely necessary to have controls located inside the barrel of the weapon?

- HANGAR BAYS

Please put doors on all hangar bays.

- REDEFINE AND CLARIFY ROLE OF OUTSIDE CONSULTANTS

We recognize that input from outside consultants – particularly those appointed directly by the Emperor – are vital to the success of the Imperial Strategy. However, Death Star employeees should not be expected to answer to outside consultants who are not employed by Death Star Human Resources. The issue also brings up labor union concerns, and though these are not strictly under our jurisdiction, we believe that the Command & Control structure must stay cleanly defined in order to safely operate such a complex enterprise as the Death Star.

Any intimidation of Death Star employees by these outside consultants – whether via physical or supernatural means – will not be tolerated.

- INADEQUATE WASTE DISPOSAL

The station has just become fully operational and already waste buildup has reached a condition of substantial biohazard, creating conditions which have allowed large, highly dangerous invertebrates to flourish.

We recommend:

a.) thorough fumigation, deck by deck, of the entire battle station

b.) a new sanitation system in which refuse is recycled or disposed of, instead of the current, untenable practice of garbage storage.

- ELIMINATE “MOUSE DROIDS”

There are hordes of tiny four-wheeled robots weaving in and out of the dense pedestrian traffic of the Death Star’s main corridors. These are an appalling accident hazard and we are shocked that this has not yet been addressed. You might as well litter the corriders with a thousand randomly placed skateboards. I understand that the new uniform requirement for knee-high boots has helped reduce ankle injuries throughout the Empire, but with these nervous little blighters zipping underfoot, repeated accidents will be unavoidable and costly.

We haven’t been fully apprised as to what function these robots serve. One employee interviewed said he thought they were message couriers. What’s wrong with email?

- STANDARDIZE LANGUAGE ON VITAL EQUIPMENT (RESOLVED)

We are happy to see that this has been addressed. As stated in previous reports, we viewed with apprehension the lack of standardization in languages used on vital pieces of equipment. There was sometimes English writing printed on vital equipment amidst the standard Imperial script.


Even given a large percentage of bilingual employees, regulations state that instructional language on vital equipment must be clearly readable and easily understood in an emergency. Mixing of languages makes quick apprehension impossible.


We acknowledge your replacement of all English text with the standard Imperial script, and we hope it is an indication that more vital safety issues will be addressed forthwith.

- EXHAUST PORT ISSUE?

Finally – though matters of defense are not in our purview – we feel that the open exhaust port at the end of one of the battle station’s trenches (the port in question is right below the main port) is a global safety concern. The shaft leads directly to the reactor system. A precise hit will start a chain reaction which could destroy the station. We wonder if some defense specialists should examine the location and institute protective measures. Perhaps it could be ray shielded until a permanent solution is found?

We look forward, Governor, to hearing your plan of action at the closed meeting scheduled to take place after your imminent exercise at the planet Yavin.

Yours sincerely,

- Inspectors #239, #9662, #0882 – Imperial Occupational Safety and Health Administration

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