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Sunday, July 01, 2007

Smoke And Fire

Whenever I don't know what I think or feel, I consult the news.

The news will always tell me what I think and feel - which is a weight off my shoulders, I can tell you.

In the wake of some really zany car bomb antics here in the UK over the past couple days - not exactly multiple simultaneous detonations across a city, or hijacking and skillfully piloting planes on the best known travel routes in the Western Hemisphere - the UK is on its highest possible alert - "CRITICAL" - which means attack "is expected imminently". And I think that's kind of cool. In my dark, dread-filled fantasies I have wondered what it would be like to be in a situation as dire as this - nuclear disaster, zombie attack, Godzilla approaching - with the entire country on the highest alert.

Now I know. It's not so bad actually.

Kind of relaxing.

Perhaps because now there is nothing left we can do, but wait ... and pray.

Yes, the news is telling us how we in the UK feel about this latest End of the World. Apparently we are experiencing "renewed fears" and we are "on edge". So that's good to know. This morning I was mostly feeling drowsy, and a little cheerful about the rain. I like rain. But enough of that. I've got to get into character!

But more than flammable cars, what is really making us nervous is the Smoking Ban that goes into effect today nation wide. I haven't smoked for some years now, but I still have great affection and sympathy for my smoker brethren and sistren. After today, the police will be able to issue tickets if people are seen smoking in public areas.

Is it a coincidence that the nutcases have parked their gasoline-filled Mercedes in front of a nightclub, where until today smokers were able to enjoy their wretched vice in peace? Or that a gasoline laden truck was driven through the front door of a Scottish airport terminal (only smokers will understand how vital it is to secure a good smoking spot at the airport).

No, this latest criminal activity is not the raging fist of international terrorism. It is the trembling hand of unhinged nicotine withdrawal.

Have you ever seen a nicotine addict denied his drug? It's a good thing Britain is on the highest alert.

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