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Thursday, September 20, 2007

Joyeux Anniversaire, Cannes!


On this day, in 1946, the first Cannes Film Festival opened.

Back then they didn't have color, or black and white even. No, back then they had to enact the script on a large stage with a silver screen backdrop (hence the expression, "stars of the silver screen"). This is one reason many of the small-scale, post-war "Italian Realist" films were received so well at the early Cannes Festivals - much easier to put on. During the staging of the big-budget American movies, something inevitably went wrong (witness the death of 8 flying monkeys by fire during a special Cannes presentation of "Wizard Of Oz" (1939, two weeks before Hitler invaded Poland), which detracted from the production value. In that first year of the Cannes Film Festival, the top prize was shared among 11 films - which is surprising since only 7 films were entered. And back then they weren't presented with today's well-coveted "Pomme d'Or", but with an award called the "Grande Prik".

FUN FACT: Ingrid Bergman and Ingmar Bergman are not brother and sister! They are parent and child!

After 1950, things changed. What with the new technologies, movies were at last able to be made in both back and white and could be watched without having real-live actors get near anyone. Throughout the 1950's, Doris Day films inevitably won every award the Festival had to offer. That all changed with Doris Day's mysterious suicide by a lone gunman in 1962.

In 1990, the Pawm d'Orr was given to the David Lynch film "Wild At Heart" (1990). Meanwhile, that year's Academy Award for Best Picture went to "Driving Miss Daisy" (1990). These were known as "The Dark Times" (A.D. 1990).

FUN FACT: Billy Crystal has never hosted the Cannes Film Festival! But never say never!

It is rumored - and also rumoured - that next year's Cannes Film Festival, now traditionally held in the spring because of those fascist bastards over in Venice, will feature a retrospective of the films of the late Michelangelo Antoniononinoi in new, digitally-restored 3D versions!

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Thursday, June 22, 2006

Solstice Tips For Vampires

Today is the summer solstice, the longest day of the year. There are more hours of daylight today than on any other day. This phenomenon is caused by the sun's swelling to more than seven times its normal circumference. The resulting increase in electromagnetic output naturally increases the number of hours and minutes that it is daylight we have at this particular time of our lives.

So you see it is very simple.

If you are a vampire, you may want to take extra-good care of yourself by observing some of these simple guidelines:

- Take a flask of blood to bed with you and if you feel peckish prior to sunset take sips in moderation to get you through to nightfall.
- Feed thoroughly on multiple full-hearted fresh victims the night before, this also can help to keep you from waking hungry. A shocking number of injuries occur from evening falls caused by - quite unnecessary - low blood blood sugar.
- Capture and chain up your victim near your resting place so that when you wake you can immediately "tuck in".
- If you must leave your lair before it is fully dark, wear a hat - sombreros are surprisingly effective.
- Accept that this is a stressful time; talk with your fellows about it and don't be afraid of admitting your own anxiety. You will find that you're not the only one who feels that way.
- If you find the summer solstice too upsetting, consider seasonal migration. Many have found it beneficial to spend June and July in the Southern Hemisphere and the December holiday season in the far North, thus taking full advantage of the dark hours each hemisphere has to offer. One enterprising fellow we know spent a long dark winter in Antarctica posing as an ornithology student observing penguins.
- Don't become depressed; use this time for reflection on your own immortality and when you find yourself resenting bikini-clad hotties and muscle-bound volleyball jocks bound for the beach, imagine the looks on their faces as you unsheathe your pearly fangs and descend like a vengeful wraith to suck the life from their bodies as, paralyzed, they shriek for mercy.
- Drink plenty of water.

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Saturday, October 15, 2005

New Script Ideas

I'm brainstorming ideas for the next feature film screenplay. I think I've narrowed it down to the five best ones.

Here are the loglines:


Idea #1: "A Second Chance" - A screenwriter goes back to his home town to take care of his aging father. There he meets an old high school flame, now a single mother, who works at a local supermarket. The two fall in love and the screenwriter forms a close bond with the woman's asthmatic son by helping him enter the local kite-making competition. But their possibilities for happiness are cut tragically short when it is learned that the aging father is roasting the flesh of little girls in his basement and selling it to the local high school cafeteria.

Idea #2: "The Pirate's Thumb" - A young boy goes on a mystical adventure to return "The Pirate's Thumb" to its rightful owners in a hidden kingdom at the bottom of the world. The Pirate's Thumb is a solid gold suppository that confers magical powers.

Idea #3: "The Most Dangerous Predator, Man" - The robots are always fighting each other, but they must put aside their differences to fight a common enemy...Man. Using their superior technology and tremendous computing power, the robots exterminate every man, woman and child on earth ushering in a golden age of peace and prosperity for robot-kind.

Idea #4: "Her Ladyship's Shankstore" - Plucky noblewoman Daria Planagan must save her Mereford estate from vicious middle-class merchants who want to give her servants good jobs and affordable housing. Determined to beat the merchants at their own game, she opens her own shankstore and makes millions of pounds by employing child labor sent down from London in wooden crates.

Idea #5: "The Creep" - A serial killer with a large vocabulary tortures women in hideous ways, then dies a hideous death himself (women = one blonde, one brunette, one cripple?) (also maybe he has a special killing method that gives him away - the "ROY G BIV" Killer??)


What do you think?

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Thursday, October 06, 2005

Death Star OSHA Report

"OSHA's mission is to assure the safety and health of the Galaxy's workers by setting and enforcing standards; providing training, outreach, and education; establishing partnerships; and encouraging continual improvement in workplace safety and health."

TO: Governor Tarkin, G.M.
CC: Adm. Motti, (10 others) ...
BCC: ...

FROM: Inspectors #239, #9662, #0882 - Imperial Occupational Safety and Health Administration


Dear Governor Tarkin:

We view with grave concern the staggering systematic safety and health failures on the new Imperial battle station called the "Death Star". We regret to say we will be recommending a complete suspension of operations to address these safety concerns. And unless all the following problems are remedied within the next fiscal year, we will recommend the battle station be shut down permanently.

Our concerns include, but are not limited to, the following:

- HAND RAILS

As you know, there is a case pending against the firm that designed this so-called "ultimate power in the Universe". We have received reports of at least 140 employees dying in falls which could have been prevented by the simple installation of railings and balustrades. No doubt many more falls have gone unreported. Some have complained that the cost of putting up railings throughout the station after the fact would be prohibitive. Be warned: the station WILL be shut down unless railings are installed.

It is our opinion that this drop in safety standards is a predictable result of "no bid" contracts.


- INADEQUATELY TRAINED SECURITY PERSONELL

Supposedly the first line of defense against intruders, the Death Star's compliment of Stormtroopers is woefully undertrained. To quote an anonymous source: "These guys can't hit the broad side of a space-barn." In one reported security incident, a dozen Stormtroopers bearing the latest issue blaster carbines, all simultaneously firing, could not hit two unarmored human targets from thirty feet away. Other anecdotal evidence has suggested that in several incidents scores of troops have died at the hands of minimally armed combatants. Employees cannot rely solely on high-tech equipment. A well-trained employee makes a safe employee.

- SUPER-LASER SAFETY

The Death Star's planet-destroyer super-laser controls are criminally dangerous.

We are appalled that a design made it to construction which requires human Operators to stand within 3 meters of a laser beam packing 90 gigajoules/sec. Operators, in death bed interviews, reported receiving only a minimally protective hardhat and were told by superiors to shield their eyes with their hands "if the beam gets too bright for you".

Among our other concerns:

- Operators are exposed to 10,000 rem each time the super-laser is fired. Exposure to a single blast has resulted in loss of hair and teeth, 2nd degree burns, sterility, and bone marrow disintegration.

- Concern for Operator safety so lacking that Operators do not even receive gloves.

- Again, no handrails. Only a matter of time before a blinded and burned Operator stumbles into the firing shaft and is vaporized.

- Is it absolutely necessary to have controls located inside the barrel of the weapon?

- HANGAR BAYS

Please put doors on all hangar bays.

- REDEFINE AND CLARIFY ROLE OF OUTSIDE CONSULTANTS

We recognize that input from outside consultants - particularly those appointed directly by the Emperor - are vital to the success of the Imperial Strategy. However, Death Star employeees should not be expected to answer to outside consultants who are not employed by Death Star Human Resources. The issue also brings up labor union concerns, and though these are not strictly under our jurisdiction, we believe that the Command & Control structure must stay cleanly defined in order to safely operate such a complex enterprise as the Death Star.

Any intimidation of Death Star employees by these outside consultants - whether via physical or supernatural means - will not be tolerated.

- INADEQUATE WASTE DISPOSAL

The station has just become fully operational and already waste buildup has reached a condition of substantial biohazard, creating conditions which have allowed large, highly dangerous invertebrates to flourish.

We recommend:

a.) thorough fumigation, deck by deck, of the entire battle station

b.) a new sanitation system in which refuse is recycled or disposed of, instead of the current, untenable practice of garbage storage.

- ELIMINATE "MOUSE DROIDS"

There are hordes of tiny four-wheeled robots weaving in and out of the dense pedestrian traffic of the Death Star's main corridors. These are an appalling accident hazard and we are shocked that this has not yet been addressed. You might as well litter the corriders with a thousand randomly placed skateboards. I understand that the new uniform requirement for knee-high boots has helped reduce ankle injuries throughout the Empire, but with these nervous little blighters zipping underfoot, repeated accidents will be unavoidable and costly.

We haven't been fully apprised as to what function these robots serve. One employee interviewed said he thought they were message couriers. What's wrong with email?


- STANDARDIZE LANGUAGE ON VITAL EQUIPMENT (RESOLVED)

We are happy to see that this has been addressed. As stated in previous reports, we viewed with apprehension the lack of standardization in languages used on vital pieces of equipment. There was sometimes English writing printed on vital equipment amidst the standard Imperial script.


Even given a large percentage of bilingual employees, regulations state that instructional language on vital equipment must be clearly readable and easily understood in an emergency. Mixing of languages makes quick apprehension impossible.


We acknowledge your replacement of all English text with the standard Imperial script, and we hope it is an indication that more vital safety issues will be addressed forthwith.

- EXHAUST PORT ISSUE?

Finally - though matters of defense are not in our purview - we feel that the open exhaust port at the end of one of the battle station's trenches (the port in question is right below the main port) is a global safety concern. The shaft leads directly to the reactor system. A precise hit will start a chain reaction which could destroy the station. We wonder if some defense specialists should examine the location and institute protective measures. Perhaps it could be ray shielded until a permanent solution is found?

We look forward, Governor, to hearing your plan of action at the closed meeting scheduled to take place after your imminent exercise at the planet Yavin.

Yours sincerely,

- Inspectors #239, #9662, #0882 - Imperial Occupational Safety and Health Administration

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Tuesday, September 27, 2005

About The Human Body

I am a curious sort of fellow - and by that I mean that I possess a curiosity about the mysteries of life. I am especially curious about aspects of what PBS calls "The Human Experience".

For example, here are some things I would like to know about the HUMAN BODY:

1.) What is a ganglion?

Is it a big African cat who's packing a gat, yo? Or is it a bundle of nerves? And what does that mean? "A bundle of nerves". Many times throughout the week I am observed to be "a bundle of nerves". Am I a ganglion in these moments?

2.) Is it dangerous to eat poo?

Not that I want to. But sometimes I wonder. Same goes for urine. It must be some kind of sick childhood obsessive-compulsive thing. Along the lines of "Would I die if I jumped from a four story building? What about five stories? Ten stories?" When I was little I used to do this kind of wondering frequently. I remember asking my dad "Can you die from eating toothpaste?" Dad's sensible reply still serves me well as a universal answer to many questions: "I suppose you could die if you ate too much of it."

3.) If I am thirsty, will swallowing my own spit help to slake my thirst?

I have a feeling that thirst-slaking requires liquids from outside the system. I mean, if swallowing your spit really did have an effect on thirst-slaking needs, then you wouldn't have to drink water at all would you? But then you lose water through sweating and urination and all, don't you? So maybe I should revise the question to: "If you didn't sweat or urinate or excrete any other fluids, could you get all the water you needed just from swallowing your own spit"? Very happy with that question.

4.) Is it possible for an old person with osteoporosis to break a hip while having sex?

There is a gag built around this possibility that has appeared in several comedy bits, including a "Kids In The Hall" sketch. Just wondering if art is imitating reality here.

5.) Is it possible to puke your guts out?

The lowly sea cucumber can do it. Can we? And I don't mean everything - heart, liver, lungs, intestines - but is it possible to get just part of the stomach up, maybe with a little duodenum attached?

6.) Speaking of the duodenum - is it possible to have an itchy duodenum?

Or what about a ticklish duodenum? Are most of our "touch" sensations received solely through the skin? If some surgeon - or medieval torturer - were to tickle our spleen would we laugh? And if not, why not? Are some internal organs more ticklish than others?

7.) Is it as easy to sell new-born babies on the Black Market as movies and urban legend make it out to be?

I don't have any new-born babies at the moment, but I intend to have some in the coming years. I will not sell mine. But if the television and The General Public Dread are to be believed, you can turn one of these little offsprings into cash very easily. I guess the babies are taken away to foreign countries and trained to be freedom fighters, or sometimes gigantic corporations send them to underground facilities where they are trained to become Blackwater Security guards, or sometimes they are taught to make shirts. I guess that's really a commerce question and not a question about the human body. I'll rephrase that: "How much is a new-born baby worth?" That has a more "medical" ring to it.

8.) If I get sick, and cannot afford a doctor, who is the next person in the chain of command?

Here in the USA, many people, so I am told, cannot afford to visit a doctor when they begin to vomit up blood. I myself am employed and as a reward for doing work for my Employer I am given certain "benefits". One of the benefits I receive for doing work for this Employer is that when I begin to vomit up blood, I am allowed to go see a doctor. Not for free, of course. I have to present a co-payment of $10. I can easily afford the $10 (because I am employed, you see!) and don't begrudge having to pay it. It's really more a symbolic gesture than an actual payment for services - as if to declare to the doctor and the world: "Nothing in life is free. You and I both know it. Here's $10. Have a martini on me." If I work hard and do what I am told - at least try to keep my own wild animal spirit in the stall for most of the day - then it's possible I will continue to receive these benefits. But if I should lose these benefits, what then? Whom do I see? I am going to draw up a list now, so that if emergency strikes I won't make a rash, panicked decision. If I start to vomit up blood and I cannot afford a doctor, I will then seek help from (in order of importance):

1.) reference librarian
2.) manager of my local pet store
3.) 411 information operator
4.) liquor store owner
5.) Chinese food delivery man

9.) What is "double-jointed"?

Do "double-jointed" people have twice the number of joints as normal people? And since a joint is just a location where two bones meet, does that mean that they have more bones than we do? If so, why aren't they taller than us? Or do they make up for the larger number of bones by having bones of lesser length, thus allowing them to blend in better? Are double-jointed people a different species? Should they be put on special preserves so as to keep pure their traditional ways of life? Is sex better with a double-jointed person? Is it wrong to have sex with a double-jointed person? If I have sex with a double-jointed person will the baby come out deformed? Is it true that double-jointed people have to have sex through a hole in a sheet? Am I prejudiced for sometimes thinking that double-jointed people are emotionally and mentally inferior to us? Is there a genetic basis for their apparent skill at sports?

10.) Can I make myself die just by willing it?

When I was a strange little freak-child - long before I grew into a tall and wise freak-man - I used to sometimes try to make myself die. I'd be lying in bed, thinking about God and vampires, and I might, on a lark, try to - through force of will, through wishing it intensely - die. My efforts met with minimal success. It wasn't through any self-loathing or childhood depression that I tried to die. It was a striving for supernatural power, identical with my childhood efforts to fly (I was sure I could if I willed it hard enough) or to run blindingly fast like "The Flash" or The Beano's "Billy Whiz" (I was sure I could if I willed my legs to move fast enough). Now, having attained wisdom, I know I can't fly, or run as fast as The Flash. Few people can. But I do still wonder, can I make myself die by willing it? People may say that I am trying to play God, that I hunger to manipulate life and death with a mere thought, but verily I say unto them: I am what I am and that's all I am.

If you are doctor, reference librarian or liquor store owner, I look forward to your replies to these many questions abouts the Mysterie Of The Human Botty.

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Friday, August 05, 2005

Cutting Hare (Lepus lupus)

Readers know that I am fascinated by the natural world. My wife and I can hardly be asked to dinner without steering the conversation toward the brilliance of David Attenborough's various nature series. So here's post #1, of who knows how many, about the world's coolest animals.

The Cutting Hare of South Asia - which was named the "Wolf Hare" by Europeans (a designation expressed in its taxonomic name Lepus lupus) - is one of only a handful of venomous mammals in the world, and the only venomous member of the order Lagomorpha (which include rabbits, hares and pikas). The male Platypus, also the only egg-laying mammal, has a sharp, hollow spur on the inside of each ankles, which is connected to a gland which produces a very strong toxin. The primitive Solenodon of Haiti and Cuba has grooves in its front teeth which channel venom. Short-tailed Shrews too have venom that is used to paralyze their prey for later eating.

(false-color electron microscope image of envenomation spurs
on tongue of Lepus lupus - courtesy PsiTec Images)

The Cutting Hare has thousands of microscopic "spines" on its tongue, making its texture a little like a cat's tongue - but you don't want the Cutting Hare licking you for too long. The spines in the tongue help to retain an envenomed saliva, which is secreted when the Cutting Hare feels threatened. Anyone who was nipped as a child by a pet hamster knows that a pair of well-exercised incisors can deliver a nasty bite. The Cutting Hare when cornered by predatory animals such as Eagles or Owls, or even snakes like the Indian Cobra or Python, becomes, for a moment, the most unrabbit-like of the rabbit family.

A Cutting Hare will dig in with its powerful incisors, sometimes clinging for three or four seconds, and with tongue thrusts it will "scrub" its toxic saliva into the bite wound. Only then does it fall back into line with the behavior of its relatives and dash like mad for safety. At least one Cutting Hare was seen to cling to its would-be Eagle predator even as the fleeing Eagle was taking to the air.

The toxin is not strong enough to seriously threaten a predator. But there is enough irritation caused by the combination of bite and venom that predators are unlikely to stick around for a second try and will be occupied in soothing the burning wound rather than hunting, and will probably move along to look for easier pickings. This may explain why birds of prey are seldom seen attacking fully grown adult Cutting Hares. In fact, birds of prey and Cutting Hares have occasionally been seen sharing the same patch of ground, apparently observing an uneasy truce.

It has been suggested that the Cutting Hare's own toxin helps give it a limited immunity from the venom of some of its predators, such as the Indian Cobra. Cutting Hares have been reported to survive Cobra bites that would likely have killed other mammals of similar size.

The Cutting Hare is listed as Endangered. Much of its natural habitat has been lost due to human cultivation and settlement, forestry, grazing; also predation by dogs.


LEPUS LUPUS FACT SHEET

Range: Eastern Asian subcontinent from Eastern India to Bangladesh to southern Nepal.

Habitat: Prefers tall grass-scrub savanna, in flat, thinly forested country.

Social Organization: Not gregarious, sometimes lives in male-female pairs.
Venomous: Symptoms include itching and burning sensation; only one fatality known due to rare allergic reaction.

---

Learn More!


SAVE THE CUTTING HARE!

Buy the T-SHIRT NOW!

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Friday, July 01, 2005

O Rambunctious Kitty!

Yesterday's post about my favorite "autocrats" got me thinking about "odder cats".

Ha he. Sorry, bad joke. Ha.

But seriously now, I did, for some mysterical reason, recall a vignette from my childhood I hadn't thought about in ages. It was the first time I heard a popular hymn that eventually became my favorite song of praise.

When I was young, until about age 10 or so, my family attended church regularly. We weren't strict about our denominational adherence. My dad tended, I think, to favor Methodist services, my mum Episcopal. I got the impression that God was in attendance at every church, an idea which has continued to serve me well.

This particular Sunday, the minister's sermon was about gratitude, I think. This might have taken place around the Easter season and perhaps the minister was trying to emphasize how grateful we should be that Jesus died for our sins. In hindsight, it was probably a finger-wagging guilt trip he was laying on the congregation. But at 9 or 10 years old, sitting in that church which seemed filled up with the clear light and fresh smell of an April morning, I was swept up: Yes. Yes. We should be grateful. Thank you, Lord ...

The minister concluded ... a moment of dense silence ... then several rich chords from the organ, invisible but somewhere very near ... then the minister lifted his arms in gentle encouragement saying:

"Please rise now for hymn number 403 - 'O, Rambunctious Kitty'".

We could feel the organ's bass notes thrumming under our feet as we stood and, cradling our hymnals, began to sing:

No. 403

O Rambunctious Kitty!

In Israel lived a kitty.
His legs from birth were lame
Until he met Lord Jesus
Bound for Jerusalem.
When the Master bent to scratch him,
He was from that day forw’rd
A most rambunctious kitty
And lap cat of our Lord.

O, rambunctious kitty,
The lap cat of our Lord,
You were Christ’s faithful servant,
Disciple on all fours.

That night in Gethsemane,
The kitty climbed a tree
And looked down on the Master
In His moonlit agony.
As Jesus knelt there praying,
He licked his tawny fur.
And when Judas kissed the Savior,
The cat begin to purr.

O, rambunctious kitty,
The lap cat of our Lord,
You were Christ’s faithful servant,
Disciple on all fours.

When Jesus hung up on
The Cross at Calvary,
The kitty sat there 'neath him
For to Christ’s woe to see.
And when He gave His spirit
Up to the Heavenly Host,
The cat did scratch his claws
Upon the nearest post.

O, rambunctious kitty,
The lap cat of our Lord,
You were Christ’s faithful servant,
Disciple on all fours.
We call you fellow soldier
In our King’s mighty cause.
Let your holy example
Give each Christian pause.

A-men.

(reproduced by kind permission of E.T. Garrislimbs & Sons)

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